Impulse

Matthew 5.27-37

As we prepared to bring our daughter Michelle home from six months of hospitalization and rehabilitation after her traumatic brain injury, we began to call other parents of children with TBI. As I started to end a conversation with one mom about out patient rehabilitation facilities, she said, "I know the hell you have endured so far, but in some ways the worst in still ahead". We had been through six months of gut-wrenching anxiety, depression, uncertainty, and sorrow. We stood beside our 17 year old daughter while she lay in a four month coma and two months of emerging slowly to consciousness. I was stunned. What could be worse.

What could be worse? Even her death at time had seemed preferable to the uncertainty. She said that we would be severely test as our daughter moved back into society. Her daughter had recently gone with her brother on a high school church group swim party.
When they returned, brother said,"Do you want to tell Mom or shall I". The daughter hung her head and remained silent. The son said, "When we got to the swimming hole, we all started stripping down to our swim suits. Mary stripped down to her birthday suit and refused to put on her swim suit." The mom then said, "This impulsively is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is so unpredictable"

Her prediction was accurate. This has proved to be the most difficult part of our daughter recovery. Having her shave her head, throw a chair through her bedroom window. swear like a trooper, and punch, bite, and fight with her mother and I. I can not count the number of times I have had to explain to patient police officers why she was acting the way she was. I have had to make emergency stops on the freeway to prevent her from stepping out the door. One of our worst fears was that she became sexually reckless. We endured 14 years of anxiety as we worked with pastors, counselors, the justice system and family to help her regain her self control. We have reach a point where the anger has become manageable, she is faithful to her spouse, and she is reasonably safe. (She still swears inappropriately)

I ask myself if she can relearn self control, why do I have such difficulty control my own impulses. I am beginning to learn that it is not the impulses that get us into trouble, but the failure to recognise them and to give in to them. It is so much easier to just let them rule you, than to control them. We do this impart because we are not humble enough to recognise we need help to control them. As children we had parents (hopefully) who guided us in learning to control these impulses. Now what we need to recognise is that we need Gods help and he is always there to help and guide, but we must do our part.

We need also to recognise that we are human and may fail. God doesn't beat us up them but is ready with grace. We need to accept His grace and forgive ourselves. When we come to God as a child, it means we accept His authority to parent up, we accept his wisdom, rules and Grace. Neither beating ourselves up nor letting ourselves off the hook.

God, I want not to have to be accountable, I want to let my impulses rule me. I pray for self control and for wisdom to accept your authority in my life.