My Valentine

I don't believe in love at first sight. Love takes a lot of hard work to be real. I do believe in trusting your heart and the first time I met Trudy I knew I wanted to get to know her better. She is what I would call an invitational person. She invites all around her to get to know her better. She is open and friendly, without the need to impress you.

As we began to date, I realized that with her I was finally comfortable with someone again. Two years before, I had lost my first wife, Kathy, to Carbon Monoxide poisoning. I was so distraught that I vowed I would never marry again. I was uncomfortable around other, especially single women. Now I found someone who made me feel ok.

For the first few months, I still said, "This is nice, but I can't get too close because I can't handle being hurt again". I nearly took my own life after Kathy's death. I sat at my desk with a loaded pistol and pointed it at my head. Luckily I couldn't go through with it. The traumatic stress was too much for me to bear. Nobody I knew could understand the feeling. Most of what they shared were shallow platitudes.

Trudy changed me not by taking away the hurt, but by filling me up. She was open, hopeful, and loving. More than any one I had ever met, she accepted and loved me for who I was and am. I did not feel I had to be more than who I was, I was ok, warts and all. Her beautiful acceptance was amazing. The more I was around her, the more comfortable I became with myself. I was full of a tremendous guilt that I had lived and Kathy had died. Trudy gave me space, time and reason to deal with that guilt, pain and loss. She never tried to save me with shallow psychology, but just gave me reason to live and love again.

This year we will have been married thirty nine years. I am amazed at how long that is. I love her more today than I ever have. It has not be easy, I am not an easy person to love, but she has show amazing strength in dealing with me and showing me Grace beyond understanding. Most of what I understand about God's love and grace, I learned by watching Trudy.

I Love You, Trudy.